Last Sunday I did a day of meditation and reflection on the significance of the eclipse and other powerful influences that are affecting us right now.
In a guided meditation I looked into a mirror and saw a wild boar. I immediately felt this to be my animal totem for the next phase of my life.
I live on a wooded mountainside where we are surrounded by wild boar and yet we rarely see them. Their presence is brutally displayed in the ravaged turf amongst the olive trees all around us, and we know they are near the house when our dogs wake us in the middle of the night unable to control their excited yelping. This is happening several nights a week at the moment and we see fresh digging and destruction almost every day, though happily not on our land, which is securely fenced.
These animals are fearless and aggressive in protecting their young and they are hunted in the winter to control the growing numbers as well as for their meat, which is rich and dark, not like pork at all.
I am in awe of them and it is now time for me to invoke some of their qualities, particularly strength and courage. I call on the totem powers of wild boar, the ‘Kali’ of the forest, to help me at this time.
The special energy I need from Kali and Boar is the fierce protection of a loving parent to his child. I am aware that my ongoing fears, vulnerabilities and limiting behaviours all come from my wounded child whose original experiences, emotional pain and lack of safety were not properly acknowledged, held, soothed, or protected by a strong and loving parent.
I learned to cope with my childhood by developing a ‘wise’ and rationalizing self, who could always explain why other people did what they did, and in ‘his’ mind forgive them. This self has run my life in a way that has allowed me to function, but he dishonours so much in me, while my inner child is still left out in the cold, in pain, shamed and made to feel wrong – by that very self in me!! who insists in making it alright for everyone else at my own (inner child’s) expense.
Seeing this now, I am determined to strengthen my inner loving parent so I can hold my child to give him a genuine feeling of safety and unconditional love that has never been there. This means being willing and able to tell other people when I do not find their behaviour respectful or honouring of me. It means being willing to stand up, with fearless courage if necessary, to tell people what I feel, set my boundary to limit them and assert my right to be who I am, in my truth.
This is what my inner child and my soul long for, and its what Kali and wild boar offer me now. If I only focus on what is already free in me, I leave my wounded parts stuck, in pain, in my old story.
I need a new story now. I don’t yet have a mantra for my new totem so I go forward with my heart open, honouring The Goddess:”OM KALI SVAHA!”